Almost 2 weeks later and this is just the second entry? Well this is because since I created this thing, I have secretly been whispering to myself “this needs to be perfect before it gets posted. Oh that doesn’t sound right, oh that won’t make sense to anyone but you..” And unbeknownst to me, I was deterring myself, yet again, from the freedom that is found in expression. This internal standard for perfection and logic has been my Berlin wall. Fulfillment, satisfaction, at least some subtle form of freedom lying on one side, my thoughts on the other. Well the good thing about realizations such as these is that I am no longer ignorant to the things I do that inhibit myself. The bad thing about them is that I am no longer ignorant to the things I do that inhibit myself. Good because I am personally challenged to move past any excuses I’ve formulated or aversions I’ve schemed, bad because once you wise up to something, you hold the accompanying convictions and have lost your ticket back to ignorant bliss. Even if I wanted to return to a life unaware of these particular shortcomings, that state of being no longer exists for me (at least in regards to the issue at hand; Lord knows I am still clueless in dozens of other areas of my life) But even if I tried to return to my justifications for why I have other more important things to attend to right now, the fact is that I am now aware of my avoidance tactics and have been forced to lock this thing in as a claimed discipline.
{Sidenote: I do realize I sound like I have dual personalities. I assure you, this is not so. I just happen to have very strong goals and aspirations and instincts, but I also have some insecurities, which I am fully aware of.. but let me tell you, if you allow insecurities to take the smallest foothold, they gain power exponentially. In any case, this is essentially why I tend to articulate my internal thought processes as though it were 2 people rivaling head on.}
That said...
You know how when you’re watching a home video of someone, particularly someone that’s not with you or you haven’t seen in a long time, you tend to notice the glowing parts of their personality just bursting from the screen as clear as day? For some reason, I’ve noticed that when I watch a video of someone, or even when looking at a photograph, I see the people in them as much more incandescent than most any time I see them in person. So I’ve wondered a lot in the past why this is so.. why it is that I can watch a video of a friend, and tilt my head to the side, say “awww…” smiling endearingly, and point out every minute aspect of their character that shines like a rare gem. Tiny moments of laughter are heard as a sweet familiar song, minor facial expressions are seen as priceless signs of unique life, sometimes even comments or habits that would in annoy if he/she was sitting next to me appear rather as charmingly unique. It’s just so much easier to get that sort of nostalgic affection when you’re watching someone’s life carry on from the removed perspective of a viewer, and not a participator. This indirect position somehow fosters a perspective that seems to focus less on flaws, and notice more of the tiny fragments of light that are always in existence, yet are overlooked in day to day interaction. This line of thought sparks so many more for me.. *what is is that inhibits us from seeing people in this way at all times? And not just when we are seeing them through a lens. *are we as humans even capable of training ourselves to see the real splendor of the ordinary, or is there a reason that our views of people should be clouded by a number of things, like selfishness, insecurity, laziness, or jealousy? *is this whole pondering just a minor offshoot of the great great challenge that continues to boggle my mind: what are we missing in the present? When you pull back, and look at your life or an aspect of your life in terms of the “big picture” (whatever that may be for you) you can gain a little more clarity as to what matters and what is worth spending your time and thoughts on. Yet when you are living in the moment, you often miss the mark and don’t live accordingly, so what gives? It seems this is analogous watching someone on an old video and noticing the light they possess, but spending the day with them and never stopping to cherish who they are.
Annie Dillard is quoted as saying “how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” I just can’t stop thinking about this quote as I sit here writing because it seems so applicable: we fly through so many moments thinking “well I’ll get around to telling him or her this or that when there’s more time, when it’s more comfortable, when I’m less tired etc etc etc blah blah. But that moment, yes that one you just passed on because the conditions weren’t ideal, has gone now and that WAS your life. I think most of us have a habit of writing off moments, days, months, and sadly years sometimes, as “not the right time,” but appease ourselves by saying “oh don’t worry, I’m just waiting til it gets easier, then I’ll really live!” (likely not stated outright as this) But like Dillard so keenly states- the way you choose to utilize this moment, IS the way you are choosing to utilize your life.
this train of thought is quite incomplete. more to follow...
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