Monday, April 6, 2009

to the tired but hopeful one.

I’ve been away for a while. I could say it’s because of magic vacations, or the excessive weights of work, or crazy days and crazier nights….
But no, it’s been lazy-on-myself-ness, that has kept me in the dark. And I have been,
In the dark,
Quite so.

I don’t know when it got to this. I think somewhere along the way it became a process of forgetting that the choices I make today, are the choices I make for life. I’ve become a master of projecting into the future the goals of today.
“Ooooh I’ll be like this tomorrow. And I’ll do that next week! And when things really change, I’ll say this and that, and I’ll be the girl who chooses this not that…”

I forget that what I do today, who I am to you today, is who I am for life. Because today is life.

Where on earth did I get the notion that the current moment is somehow exempt from the responsibility it takes to change?? As if discussing the noble call to shed an old skin for the likes of a new one does anything to actually move us forward. As if talking about sacrifice, is really giving anything up at all. If I am not willing right now to do what it takes to change, how can I expect to be willing tomorrow?

Humans and the world have taught me, that you can say whatever you want.

And as it turns out, saying things and not doing things has become too easy for me, a detrimental easy. I speak the things of fantasy.. things that are neither impossible nor free of demands. Change begs discomfort of us, much. But mostly, I think one thing that change could give a shit about, is words.

I’ve been one to confuse admiration with envy. I’ve been through that forest of confusion and I still go back from time to time.. And beware! It’ll catch you, twist, sit you down and pull you back, behind the face of what you’d like to be. Alternatively- let yourself be inspired by others’ success and exotic adventures, not diminished by your envious gaze.

I’ve become too good at giving up on the day, letting it just be- bland, vanilla, decent (gag). Unwilling to give what it takes to become something better, to produce something fruitful, to be made new again and again. I’ve lately given in to a so-called ‘lack of energy;’ which is, in fact, one of the many masks that a non-committal heart likes to wear.

But don’t fret, I literally said out loud to myself in the mirror this afternoon.. you’re ok.
A creative dry spell (or any other kind of internal obstacle or battle for this matter) can only go as far as your accommodations for it last. And I choose for this one’s stay to end with me now.

No, struggles won't just disappear on a dime. They undoubtedly reside, but I've found it matters a great deal how hospitable we are to our weaknesses; and let's say I've been putting mints on the pillows, serving continental breakfast and the whole nine...

Choosing (making) better for yourself seems so simple, yet can prove difficult as hell, for some odd reason. But when you do, it carries a certain clarity: one that reminds me of thanksgiving day, or the air after rain, or the breath you can see on that annual cold morning before the sun’s grand entrance, on the mountain called Helix overlooking southern San Diego....