The Bag Lady

It’s been a strange and frustrating time. I confess, in a moment of utter discouragement and anxious uncertainty, I literally typed “Where do I go in life?” into the search box, offering up my every question of life-purpose and direction to the gods of Google.

There’s been talk lately about frustration with jobs and peoples’ souls being eaten by stagnancy and dying passion. And while I resonate with this to a lesser degree, the restlessness is indeed unsettling; but I keep remembering the look on his face when he said, “Why would anyone, EVER, make themselves so vulnerable to their job that they let it eat their soul???”

I thought that was brilliant, and also difficult to reconcile for a person like me.

All my personal anxiety in this regard came to a peak on Monday. Bubbling over with frustration, I reached a new readiness for change that exceeded anything I’ve felt in the last 2 years. I woke this morning with the weight of it all pressing my chest and head into my pillow, suggesting I shouldn’t even bother getting out of bed. But I did, and decided the only thing to do was break out the strong coffee, paper bag, and a sharpie. This Paper Bag Therapy, as I have named it, is one of the most cathartic things I’ve ever done for myself. Lying on my stomach, I uncap the marker and have at it; the Sharpie didn’t have the slightest clue what was coming.

Furiously writing every scattered thought, question, idea, conundrum, obstacle and need, I categorically spelled out everything I know and do not know about what I want in life, at this point in time. It’s worth mentioning that the header reads: “PAPER BAG THERAPY, Session #2, 3 march 2010, Age 24. >>HANG ONTO THIS, I'M SURE YOU'LL GET A KICK OUT OF IT WHEN YOU'RE 50.”

So although I’m knee-deep in the murky ambition of a twenty-something, I can still appreciate the fact that this is a stage, a necessary stage of searching and exploring, and when I’m much older with much more perspective, I’ll laugh at the adorable innocence of all my current anxiety.

I was however able to identify some things I most definitely do NOT want as I move forward in life (ehem.. marketing/sales positions). Beyond that, the list of potential career interests was somewhat vague- lacking practical knowledge of professional applications or the steps to even ‘get there.’

But despite the lack of resolute clarity, I feel a bit better. I feel honest about where I’m at, mostly joyful while searching, and certain that life can still go on colorfully in the face of aimlessness and uncertainty, if you decide so.

New #7: The Finished Product

(Done at the request of a friend; centered around a theme of homelessness)



Canvas, synthetic fabric, paper, coffee, thread, spray paint, acrylic, wetfoam, clay, glue.

A question emerges:

How come writing words feels like
freedom
but art feels like judgment?

New #6: Night Ride

Rode my bike at 10:30pm to the Pasadena City Hall building. If you've never seen it, take a look at the gem we have sitting right in the middle of our city: (and don't judge me for getting the photos from google, mine from that night didn't turn out)

It was freezing cold (freezing by a San Diegan's standards, probably picnic weather for a New Yorker).. but I rode there to sketch. I'm not a good drawer I don't believe, but it felt good to circle a couple times admiring the whole of it under moonlight and florescents, a nice contrast to the morning light I typically see it in. I settled myself on the front stoop-like stairs to take it all in.. found some great lines, interesting angles, shapes and textures. Felt like I was doing research on how to appreciate something gorgeous.

*The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (a Native American Elder)*

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from God's presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

[passed on to me from a friend. too good not to post]

New #5: Swimsuit Yoga

The other day I had every intention of going to the gym, but it was raining so hard I couldn't bear the thought of bundling up just to get to my car. So inside our cozy warm house from the heater running all morning, I got in my bathing suit for some reason and found my own gym alternative. There's a website that posts a new hour-long yoga workout every week that you can watch for free and follow along. I've always meant to check it out, but until my rainy day sit-in I'd never gotten around to it. But I'm glad I finally did, because swimsuit yoga on a rainy day was just the mid-week refresher I needed

New #4: The Woods

Went to a new bar called The Woods, it's located in Hollywood a little off the beaten path, and located in a tacky strip mall between a laundromat and a mediterranean food joint. Looks supremely trashy from the outside, but inside it fosters a surprisingly unique vibe and comfortable ambiance. Wood blocks of varying grain and depth line the north wall, and the full bar is backed by a frosted lit glass pane highlighting tree branch silhouettes. Deer antler chandeliers are the cherry on top of this mountain cabin-turned hipster locale, all glazed with a subtle 70's tinge of earthy tones and lighting. Might be worth checking out sometime if you find yourself aimless in the neighborhood..