Tuesday, April 20, 2010
::back to basics::
I said to myself,
'Self, let's get simple. What do you want right now?'
1/ to create + contribute
2/ to rage against the dying of the light
3/ a new opportunity
'..and what do you not want?'
1/ to devalue any human
2/ to waste time
3/ to be a waste
I appreciated my honesty. I think it's good to ask simple questions when the mind is getting out of hand spinning on its axis of chaotic thought and uncertainty, and to see what your answers turn out to be..
What do you ask?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
To live only for some future goal is shallow.
It's the sides of the mountain
that sustain life, not the top.
-Robert M. Pirsig-
Saw this quote on the website of a photographer I met once whose work I really appreciate. Being that all current distress stems from my seemingly directionless future, and directionless present for that matter, it's good to keep reminding myself that the above is true; that it's on the sides of the mountain where the action happens. It's during the hike up with friends where people get closer, inside jokes are made, injuries occur, questions are asked, answers are stumbled upon..
and the top is simply where you enjoy the view together.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
New # 8: Spanish bravery
I've been craving Spanish like nobody's business lately. The kind of crave where I sigh and give a longing smile with my brows furrowed in nostalgia every time I hear someone reference Spain or travelling or learning a language. I seldom use my Spanish these days, which has inevitably resulted in loss of fluidity and comfort; I'm much more halted and insecure in my conversational ability. I have to confess though that it's not a lack of availability that is to blame for my English-only lifestyle. It's not like I live in the backwoods of Kentucky, I live literally 2 streets away from Spanish-speaking communities, but unless I step out intentionally to find the opportunity, it's incredibly easy to stay within the daily confines of English.
So, I decided it was time to do something about it. Instead of hanging on the occasional conversation at a supermarket or at work to practice this gorgeous language, I thought it was time to try something a little different. I found out there are groups that meet all over the place on the simple basis of loving and desiring the Spanish language and culture. Despite my many initial hesitations- "It's probably just a bunch of people who need friends," or "I'm too rusty to do this" or "what if it's a bunch of creeps?!" I thought I'd give it one chance. So after a lot of searching for a group that sounded authentic, I found one that appealed. The first event I attended was a Spanish tapas party, naturally. I second guessed myself a ton beforehand, because who in their right mind goes to a party where 1. they don't know a single soul, and 2. nobody is speaking their primary language?! But I resolved that it would be my new and scary thing for that day, so I went, homemade tapas in hand. I approached feeling like a little kid at a new school, trying to make new friends with enticing snacks.
Turned out to be exhilerating, truly! There's a rush I used to get in Spain when speaking with locals, trying so hard not to sound American; it's a mix of insecurity and excitement at knowing every sentence exchanged was adding to my verbal repertoire. With the margaritas and wine flowing, cheese tasting, dancing, and some of the most colorful people I've met in a while, the night brought me back to a passion I'd let fade over time.
Lessons learned:
1) If it's scary, then there's potential for something great to come of it. If you're nervous, you should probably do it. (Note: This does not apply if you're contemplating jumping off a building)
2) I know you know this, but please don't judge people before you give them a chance.
3) Don't forget, it's your responsibility to find opportunities to practice what you're passionate about; it's your job to seek out the things that make you come alive, because they won't always fall in your lap. We can't wait for thrills to be served up on a silver platter, they must be sought with wild persistence.
So, I decided it was time to do something about it. Instead of hanging on the occasional conversation at a supermarket or at work to practice this gorgeous language, I thought it was time to try something a little different. I found out there are groups that meet all over the place on the simple basis of loving and desiring the Spanish language and culture. Despite my many initial hesitations- "It's probably just a bunch of people who need friends," or "I'm too rusty to do this" or "what if it's a bunch of creeps?!" I thought I'd give it one chance. So after a lot of searching for a group that sounded authentic, I found one that appealed. The first event I attended was a Spanish tapas party, naturally. I second guessed myself a ton beforehand, because who in their right mind goes to a party where 1. they don't know a single soul, and 2. nobody is speaking their primary language?! But I resolved that it would be my new and scary thing for that day, so I went, homemade tapas in hand. I approached feeling like a little kid at a new school, trying to make new friends with enticing snacks.
Turned out to be exhilerating, truly! There's a rush I used to get in Spain when speaking with locals, trying so hard not to sound American; it's a mix of insecurity and excitement at knowing every sentence exchanged was adding to my verbal repertoire. With the margaritas and wine flowing, cheese tasting, dancing, and some of the most colorful people I've met in a while, the night brought me back to a passion I'd let fade over time.
Lessons learned:
1) If it's scary, then there's potential for something great to come of it. If you're nervous, you should probably do it. (Note: This does not apply if you're contemplating jumping off a building)
2) I know you know this, but please don't judge people before you give them a chance.
3) Don't forget, it's your responsibility to find opportunities to practice what you're passionate about; it's your job to seek out the things that make you come alive, because they won't always fall in your lap. We can't wait for thrills to be served up on a silver platter, they must be sought with wild persistence.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The Bag Lady
It’s been a strange and frustrating time. I confess, in a moment of utter discouragement and anxious uncertainty, I literally typed “Where do I go in life?” into the search box, offering up my every question of life-purpose and direction to the gods of Google.
There’s been talk lately about frustration with jobs and peoples’ souls being eaten by stagnancy and dying passion. And while I resonate with this to a lesser degree, the restlessness is indeed unsettling; but I keep remembering the look on his face when he said, “Why would anyone, EVER, make themselves so vulnerable to their job that they let it eat their soul???”
I thought that was brilliant, and also difficult to reconcile for a person like me.
All my personal anxiety in this regard came to a peak on Monday. Bubbling over with frustration, I reached a new readiness for change that exceeded anything I’ve felt in the last 2 years. I woke this morning with the weight of it all pressing my chest and head into my pillow, suggesting I shouldn’t even bother getting out of bed. But I did, and decided the only thing to do was break out the strong coffee, paper bag, and a sharpie. This Paper Bag Therapy, as I have named it, is one of the most cathartic things I’ve ever done for myself. Lying on my stomach, I uncap the marker and have at it; the Sharpie didn’t have the slightest clue what was coming.
Furiously writing every scattered thought, question, idea, conundrum, obstacle and need, I categorically spelled out everything I know and do not know about what I want in life, at this point in time. It’s worth mentioning that the header reads: “PAPER BAG THERAPY, Session #2, 3 march 2010, Age 24. >>HANG ONTO THIS, I'M SURE YOU'LL GET A KICK OUT OF IT WHEN YOU'RE 50.”
So although I’m knee-deep in the murky ambition of a twenty-something, I can still appreciate the fact that this is a stage, a necessary stage of searching and exploring, and when I’m much older with much more perspective, I’ll laugh at the adorable innocence of all my current anxiety.
I was however able to identify some things I most definitely do NOT want as I move forward in life (ehem.. marketing/sales positions). Beyond that, the list of potential career interests was somewhat vague- lacking practical knowledge of professional applications or the steps to even ‘get there.’
But despite the lack of resolute clarity, I feel a bit better. I feel honest about where I’m at, mostly joyful while searching, and certain that life can still go on colorfully in the face of aimlessness and uncertainty, if you decide so.
There’s been talk lately about frustration with jobs and peoples’ souls being eaten by stagnancy and dying passion. And while I resonate with this to a lesser degree, the restlessness is indeed unsettling; but I keep remembering the look on his face when he said, “Why would anyone, EVER, make themselves so vulnerable to their job that they let it eat their soul???”
I thought that was brilliant, and also difficult to reconcile for a person like me.
All my personal anxiety in this regard came to a peak on Monday. Bubbling over with frustration, I reached a new readiness for change that exceeded anything I’ve felt in the last 2 years. I woke this morning with the weight of it all pressing my chest and head into my pillow, suggesting I shouldn’t even bother getting out of bed. But I did, and decided the only thing to do was break out the strong coffee, paper bag, and a sharpie. This Paper Bag Therapy, as I have named it, is one of the most cathartic things I’ve ever done for myself. Lying on my stomach, I uncap the marker and have at it; the Sharpie didn’t have the slightest clue what was coming.
Furiously writing every scattered thought, question, idea, conundrum, obstacle and need, I categorically spelled out everything I know and do not know about what I want in life, at this point in time. It’s worth mentioning that the header reads: “PAPER BAG THERAPY, Session #2, 3 march 2010, Age 24. >>HANG ONTO THIS, I'M SURE YOU'LL GET A KICK OUT OF IT WHEN YOU'RE 50.”
So although I’m knee-deep in the murky ambition of a twenty-something, I can still appreciate the fact that this is a stage, a necessary stage of searching and exploring, and when I’m much older with much more perspective, I’ll laugh at the adorable innocence of all my current anxiety.
I was however able to identify some things I most definitely do NOT want as I move forward in life (ehem.. marketing/sales positions). Beyond that, the list of potential career interests was somewhat vague- lacking practical knowledge of professional applications or the steps to even ‘get there.’
But despite the lack of resolute clarity, I feel a bit better. I feel honest about where I’m at, mostly joyful while searching, and certain that life can still go on colorfully in the face of aimlessness and uncertainty, if you decide so.
New #7: The Finished Product
(Done at the request of a friend; centered around a theme of homelessness)
Canvas, synthetic fabric, paper, coffee, thread, spray paint, acrylic, wetfoam, clay, glue.
Canvas, synthetic fabric, paper, coffee, thread, spray paint, acrylic, wetfoam, clay, glue.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
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