On Escapes (and still more on pain)

(to preface: I began writing this one soon after I wrote the initial Pain piece, but of course neglected it and lost track. Came across it again and it still resonates, so I buffed it up a bit and here goes...)

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HURT, I WONDER? Sometimes all I can do is escape..

Human escapes are myriad: alcohol, shopping, eating, dating, gambling... they can all be thieves. They can also be illusionists, taking reality and dressing it up in a new outfit, perhaps softer fabrics and more attractive colors..

Escapes are seductive.

..but when they prove themselves empty and deceptive (and when abused, they always do) how else do you exist in the eye of your storm? I’ve been thinking about refining my struggles, letting all the curiosity and loneliness and wonder manifest however they want..

Better to consume it all and use it, before it consumes us.

I’m reminded of Ray Lamontagne speaking to his demons, fierce and poignant, disregarding fear like some pedestrian absurdity:

“I looked my demons in the eyes, laid bare my chest, said ‘Do your best to destroy me.. see, I’ve been to hell and back so many times I must admit you kinda bore me.’ There’s a lot of things that can kill a man, there’s a lot of ways to die. Yes and some already did and walk beside me..”

In the face of your demons, I can’t think of anything more powerful than to call them small and mundane, bare your chest, and ask for more.

Don't let your demons take the fight out of you;

in fact, they should put the fight back in.

Burn

I've been told that during workouts you must always push past the initial sting of muscle fatigue. When your muscles first start to feel tired is precisely when you need to push harder, because remaining after that point is what will get you results. Once the burn has set in, it's tempting to quit in the interest of the body's desire for comfort. But to gain the most from a workout it's imperative to dig deeper than that first pain and ultimately, you will be much stronger for it.

I believe this is much like love, as it is most powerful, most compelling, shows its deepest colors of commitment, and experiences most profound depth and growth when upheld

through the burn.

Sometimes, the most healthy and necessary thing you can do is get outside of yourself.. step away from the vacuum of your own cyclical worries and analyses to nourish yourself with the reminder that all along, there has been an entire world carrying on outside while you were cooped up in your own mind..

(This is an edited and trimmed version of a piece I recently wrote at the request of a friend for a project she's working on. Her prompt was "Post-graduation life" ...just as massive and open-ended as that...)

Finding your passion, in terms of your ‘life calling’ is not always the simple result of being a passionate person. I used to think that if I had passion, strong beliefs and devoted ambition, I’d just passively realize a dream that was acutely fitted for my skills and interests and chase after it.

Sometimes though, no matter how much ambition you have, clarity and vision don’t reveal themselves simply. I've spent the greater part of the past 3 years fighting this strange tension which could be summarized as: “I will work so hard! But work for what?? I want to move forward! But in what direction?? I want to make great change in the world! But in which field??”

My subconscious response to this tension was to try to do it all; if I couldn’t narrow down my interests enough to start moving in one direction, maybe I could just move in all directions, pursue everything, lead the most eclectic and diversified life possible so as not to miss out on anything. I saw this as the best use of my twenties: to take advantage of this phase of questioning, challenging, and experimenting, with the hope of one day stumbling upon something I’d like to dedicate myself to more wholly.

To some degree, I still believe that. This should be a season of life free to be unconfined and undetermined. But as I’ve learned, there is also a level of restraint that does a body good. I built up a life as a business representative, soccer player, soccer coach, youth group leader, bartender, balloon artist, writer, social butterfly.. etc. With a schedule so full, I couldn’t help but find purpose somewhere soon, right?

Did you know that one dictionary definition of busyness is: "Lively but meaningless activity"? I embodied this definition to an unhealthy degree for quite some time. In the chaos of my hastened life, I adopted the habit of skipping through my routine engagements mindlessly. I abandoned the basic investments that kept my spirit constant when everything else was changing. My art, my health, and my relationships all took the hit; the things I supposedly cared most about were suffering because of my myriad demands. I was gradually shifting from eclectic, to empty. Somehow in the midst of trying to be everything, I ended up nothing like who I wanted to be.

This apex of exhaustion awakened me to a new challenge of balance and intention. I decided that my quality of life and impact on the world would never be measured by the length of my resume but by the substance of my experiences and my resulting character; and as obvious as that may seem, I took it to heart as enlightenment.

So not long ago, I started stripping my life down to what I knew I could do 100%. There are only so many hours in the day, so many days in the week, and so many things you can invest in. After a period of complete overload, I had to step away from the things that didn't fit with who I wanted to be, and re-comitt myself to the things that would sustain a life I could take pride in. I'm still training myself to practice the simple disciplines that keep my body and mind healthy, my creativity nourished, and my priorities in line.

Although post-grad life has felt more inconsistent and aimless than any other season I’ve been through, it’s also compelled me to take ownership of a new resiliency and strength I never before needed. After many cycles of pain and redemption, I’ve developed a great reverence for the fruit that struggle bears.

As for today, I am still learning how to wear myself, and I still put up a great fight when I look in the mirror most days. I still get frustrated that periods of immense growth often come along with lessons of loss, uncertainty, loneliness, and failure. I still have too many questions about where I am headed, but I’m starting to feel like I am entitled to more than my insecurities, and that I am indeed capable of some extraordinary things when I roll up my sleeves and put in the hard work. I’ve also come to appreciate a whole new angle of friendship. Countless times over the last few years I have sat with a friend, either saying or hearing “I know what you’re going through, I’ve been there too” or “I’m feeling the exact same thing! Will we make it through??” That state of exasperated togetherness, comrades in utmost despair, is a union of immeasurable value. No matter how maddening or trying relationships may be, I am nothing without companionship and this has never been made so clear as in the last 3 years.

I’ve realized we live the impossible garden- where it’s always planting season and always the harvest. We are constantly laying the groundwork for some piece of the future, and always reaping the fruits, or spoils, of some previous season. I can only hope that what I am planting right now is the start of a prolific period defined by a commitment to incessant creating and learning. In 10 years I hope to be able to look back and say, “Those uncomfortable years were used well- I let it all in, ignored nothing, questioned everything, acted on my beliefs, and invested in relationships.. those years validated the truth of being a part of the human community. I accepted the struggles, capitalized on the blessings, and never settled for mediocre contentment. I used my time.”

-ON PAIN, AS A PERSON-

Pain, as a person, comes in and commissions great things of you, but only if you allow him to take his role center-stage and show you what he's got. I imagine he’s the type that likes a fair amount of attention, not because he’s self-centered or because he was a neglected middle child.. no, he simply needs to be acknowledged because when he’s ignored completely, he can’t do his job.

I believe Pain as a person would ask to be dignified before imparting any of his wisdom or perspective, and this could happen one of two ways: a) You resist to the point of exhaustion. Unable to keep up the resistance, Pain enters in storming fashion, crushing your comfortable avoidance. Pain as a person is a strangely recurrent yet transient member of our lives; our defenses never really keep him at bay, because his arrival is not a call to arms. He just waits at the door until we’ve tired and in weakness, finally dropped all weapons.

Not to say that it’s always got to be such a war with this character, because I think there is an alternative- b) You make a conscious and brave decision to honor the reality that Pain has come a’knockin, and recognize that he actually offers a great deal of potential.. you let him in and accept him, make him a cup of tea and sit with him, ask him questions and find out who he is, where he was born, why he’s visiting.. this discussion with him will probably be heavy and revealing, as he tends to be brutally honest when you let him. But a disclaimer about this relationship you may build with Pain: I wouldn’t bother asking him when he plans to leave; to that question he may very well give you the wrong impression, or just remain silent leaving you to your own misguided assumptions. Better to just let him exist with you as a temporary guest for as long as he deems necessary. Another disclaimer: he might trash your house. Did I forget to mention that by profession he is an interior decorator of the most extreme variety? He might come in and throw things upside down, turn the tables, uproot your garden, I mean hell- he might even demolish the foundation of your house.. he doesn’t really hold back once you’ve let him in.

If so, this will feel like a massive violation of space and peace, like a raging hurricane has swept in. But I'll say from my own experiences, when he breaks things it often becomes apparent that they were already broken beneath the surface, or on the verge of breaking anyhow; the walls he tore down had already eroded on the inside. The foundation he shattered turned out to have cracks running through its entirety. The tables he turned were actually facing the wrong way to begin with..

He’s also not great at keeping to preconceived deadlines, confessing things like “Well I know I made you think I would be done and out of here by next month, but you see when I took down that drywall I realized the structure was a lot more compromised than I expected. It’ll be an extra 3 months before I’m finished..” Give him grace though, there’s no way anyone could’ve known what would be found once the walls were torn down, or how long it would take to repair.

Ultimately though, he is one-of-a-kind. Nobody else is in the business as he is, nobody can do the same work.. and though his patterns of demolition appear destructive, be reminded that this is actually the first sign of renovation.

Pain comes because something in your internal or external world has invited him, whether or not you are conscious of it, understand it, or even want it. Whatever the reason though, he has earned your respect, hasn't he? and in the long run, he plays so much more nicely when you give it.

"A man who wants something will find a way.

A man who doesn't will find an excuse."

-Stephen Dolley Jr.-

I've been judging myself by this quote lately. So- evidently I am someone who does not want to write, because I have been making excuse after excuse for why I don't have the time to just sit down and put pen to paper. But that's crazy, because I know the freedom that writing affords me and I know it's something I will 'ever desire. Now this is certainly not the first time I've realized I'm devoting excessive time to things that are not representative of who I want to be, and insufficient time to the things I really am passionate about. So, I intend on giving myself a good pep talk about this, followed by a quick kick in the ass, and then setting a daily scheduled time to get back to writing persistently and fervently. Hopefully this means there will soon be more to come.. hopefully....

Enough said.

it resonates..